Yoooo, I’m AuDHD and my father was a raging narcissist (possibly psychopath). Additionally, I’m currently recovering from CPTSD after a hell of a lot of recent emotional abuse. I get the intense emotions feeling invalidated brings up. They’re legit and justified. As a survivor of that insane childhood and environment, it hurts to see others go through it because I know how bad it can be. Other people will never be able to understand it if they even believe you, so I’m sorry you went through that. You were just a kid, and no matter your reactions and behaviors at the time, it wasn’t your fault. It couldn’t have been your fault because it’s all you knew.
Sometimes though, people are only asking a question to gather information and clarify, not build a case against you, imply that you’re “wrong”, and make you look like the “crazy one”. I can’t speak on their behalf, but I think @candyman337@sh.itjust.works was just asking to understand better and didn’t mean anything against you by it. If that’s the case, then while your reaction makes complete sense, you might have better outcomes if you were to practice assessing situations and responding in a way that helps you reach your goals. This would give you more control over your life while compassionately validating yourself. It would also help you avoid the trap that narcissists lay when they trigger you to act out to make you look unhinged. So either way, unless you’re in immediate physical danger, staying calm and collected is the best move.
Also, my intention is merely to help you. I am not trying to insult you, imply fault, or make any judgement on your character. We all make mistakes sometimes (I still make them all the time), so it is completely understandable. All it means is that you’re trying, and that’s something to be proud of considering the history of what you’ve been through. I hope this comment helps you ❤️
Really‽ Can you help me understand how? I’m not offended in anyway at all. I would just like to gain some awareness of how my communication is perceived by others, so I think it would be helpful for me to understand your perspective. I know that people can be reserved because they feel cautious with intercultural topics, so if you feel more comfortable, feel free to DM instead. Whatever works for you 🙂
you are trying to be very neutral, you try to put your ego aside, you try to weigh every tiny aspect of the thing that bothers you, you seem very logical about it, you dont know how to prioritze in importan or not important, you DID assess the social situation expertly and correct, you bothered doing that in the first place, you seem big on truth and justice, you tried to help the dude out of compassion because you obviously had or have communication problems yourself,
you have been manipultaded because you are naive as shit, took you decades to learn to say no and set boundaries.
and bla bla bla
one tip: a no has to have consequences. really think about it, you have to follow up you no with action, its very important.
its not your communication per se that reminds ME of autism, but your way with dealing with situations.
thanks and take care, you are a cool dude (or dudette)
watch out for:
friends don’t accept no, try to convince you (once in a while that okay… its hard to sniff out)
people argue via the benefits YOU will have, without mentioning THEIR benefits, and you don’t even want the benefits they are trying to sell you
you defend people in your friend group, people never defend you
people always seem ok with interrupting you, no one bothers to put a stopgap in, so you can finish what you have in mind
let people talk, while thinking. people will tell you who they are, but you have to give yourself space to really listen to them.
mostly, their words dont fit into their actions.
look out for key phrases - one might be: "So you are saying? " this is usually followed by a thing you did not say at all. another might be: “I am so sorry you feel that way.”
train your self for these key phrases, ALARMS have to go on in your head. Have a script ready.
What i do for the “so you are saying” is the following:
I bid them politely and soft spoken to repeat the question, as soon as they are past 3 words, I interrupt them really loud and aggressive with:
“NO, I DID NOT SAY THAT AT ALL!”
then I shut up and stare. I say nothing. the other guy has to say something first. it is a powerstruggle.
You can’t do that with a pro, but most people are not used to that. A pro will see instantly see what is going on, and put you down, it is inevitable.
learn in what situation you are in.
combative, social, competetive, diplomacy or bartering. dont make my mistake, each and every situation was always social for me.
other people dont perceive it like that.
ok, I am glad you pulled yourself up by your bootstraps. (figure of speech)
Yep! I’ve put that into practice. Sick of giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. I think I used to give it a lot because I thought I needed it a lot due to my autistic traits missing social cues and whatever implications people took from my statements/behaviors. Lately, I’ve recognized that a lot of what I thought were the impact of my aloof behaviors were actually others shaming me. Previously, I would just assume I messed up and would try to learn social rules from it. Now, I’m at the point that if I say something and someone took it wrong, we can address it collaboratively. But if I’m the one that is expected to make changes to accommodate their perception rather than negotiating a happy middle in which we both make changes, then forget it. I’m not going to be the one that is automatically “wrong” whenever there is a disagreement.
mostly, their words dont fit into their actions.
Yes!! I learned the acronym ABB: Always Believe Behavior. If someone says something but behaves differently, the behavior is the truth.
look out for key phrases - one might be: "So you are saying? " this is usually followed by a thing you did not say at all.
I’ve been working on something similar. Basically, I’m tired of people telling me what I mean and more importantly, what my intentions are or why I do things. Thinking back to the people I remember using that phrase often, those people ended up being unbearable to me. Eventually, I would just stay quiet to avoid them taking anything the wrong way, which meant I would stop existing. Sucks I went through all of that, but at least I learned how to use I-statements well!
another might be: “I am so sorry you feel that way.”
And “you’re too sensitive!” lol. I seriously want a shirt on it that says “I’m too sensitive” to wear it like a badge of honor.
What i do for the “so you are saying” is the following:
I bid them politely and soft spoken to repeat the question, as soon as they are past 3 words, I interrupt them really loud and aggressive with:
“NO, I DID NOT SAY THAT AT ALL!”
then I shut up and stare. I say nothing. the other guy has to say something first. it is a powerstruggle.
That doesn’t seem like something that would work well with my style of interaction, but I appreciate the example. I rarely talk through implication unless I’m making a ridiculous joke. Aside from underplaying my feelings and experiences, I think I am very direct. So, if someone is asking me, “So you are saying…?” then there is a major disconnect in communication, or we’re back to that “putting words in my mouth” crap. Either way, if that happens infrequently, then it might be tolerable. If it’s a routine thing, then there’s no need to maintain that relationship.
combative, social, competetive, diplomacy or bartering. dont make my mistake, each and every situation was always social for me.
In the past, I would fawn when I noticed competitiveness hoping that their “win” would cause them to stop it, but I’ve learned that more often than not, they’re never satisfied. The point isn’t to win. It’s to dominate. I’ve done a lot better with combative environments in the past year, so I’m happy with that progress. While I’ve learned to reject combative situations, I have still stayed in for longer than I should have in competitive ones. I’m working on leaving those situations much quicker now though. Lately, I’ve been immersing myself in situations that are collaborative or at the least, understanding. There’s definitely a different feel to it. It’s much nicer and enjoyable. The competitive ones are exhausting.
Bonus: Hanging around other neurodivergent people has helped me gain perspective by seeing how people treat them. It’s a lot easier for me to see toxic and manipulative behaviors happen from a 3rd person perspective. Once I see it, then it’s easier to recognize when it’s happening to me in 1st person. Bonus from bonus: helps me have a lot of compassion for myself.
ok, I am glad you pulled yourself up by your bootstraps. (figure of speech)
Thank you, and you too! I appreciate the conversation. I hope you have a nice week also.
Yoooo, I’m AuDHD and my father was a raging narcissist (possibly psychopath). Additionally, I’m currently recovering from CPTSD after a hell of a lot of recent emotional abuse. I get the intense emotions feeling invalidated brings up. They’re legit and justified. As a survivor of that insane childhood and environment, it hurts to see others go through it because I know how bad it can be. Other people will never be able to understand it if they even believe you, so I’m sorry you went through that. You were just a kid, and no matter your reactions and behaviors at the time, it wasn’t your fault. It couldn’t have been your fault because it’s all you knew.
Sometimes though, people are only asking a question to gather information and clarify, not build a case against you, imply that you’re “wrong”, and make you look like the “crazy one”. I can’t speak on their behalf, but I think @candyman337@sh.itjust.works was just asking to understand better and didn’t mean anything against you by it. If that’s the case, then while your reaction makes complete sense, you might have better outcomes if you were to practice assessing situations and responding in a way that helps you reach your goals. This would give you more control over your life while compassionately validating yourself. It would also help you avoid the trap that narcissists lay when they trigger you to act out to make you look unhinged. So either way, unless you’re in immediate physical danger, staying calm and collected is the best move.
Also, my intention is merely to help you. I am not trying to insult you, imply fault, or make any judgement on your character. We all make mistakes sometimes (I still make them all the time), so it is completely understandable. All it means is that you’re trying, and that’s something to be proud of considering the history of what you’ve been through. I hope this comment helps you ❤️
ha,** thar’s** an autistic answer me gusta
Really‽ Can you help me understand how? I’m not offended in anyway at all. I would just like to gain some awareness of how my communication is perceived by others, so I think it would be helpful for me to understand your perspective. I know that people can be reserved because they feel cautious with intercultural topics, so if you feel more comfortable, feel free to DM instead. Whatever works for you 🙂
you are trying to be very neutral, you try to put your ego aside, you try to weigh every tiny aspect of the thing that bothers you, you seem very logical about it, you dont know how to prioritze in importan or not important, you DID assess the social situation expertly and correct, you bothered doing that in the first place, you seem big on truth and justice, you tried to help the dude out of compassion because you obviously had or have communication problems yourself,
you have been manipultaded because you are naive as shit, took you decades to learn to say no and set boundaries.
and bla bla bla
one tip: a no has to have consequences. really think about it, you have to follow up you no with action, its very important.
its not your communication per se that reminds ME of autism, but your way with dealing with situations.
thanks and take care, you are a cool dude (or dudette)
wowwwww~ thank you! I’m saving this comment.
thanks a lot ;-)
remember saying no has to have consequences!
watch out for: friends don’t accept no, try to convince you (once in a while that okay… its hard to sniff out)
people argue via the benefits YOU will have, without mentioning THEIR benefits, and you don’t even want the benefits they are trying to sell you
you defend people in your friend group, people never defend you
people always seem ok with interrupting you, no one bothers to put a stopgap in, so you can finish what you have in mind
let people talk, while thinking. people will tell you who they are, but you have to give yourself space to really listen to them.
mostly, their words dont fit into their actions.
look out for key phrases - one might be: "So you are saying? " this is usually followed by a thing you did not say at all. another might be: “I am so sorry you feel that way.”
train your self for these key phrases, ALARMS have to go on in your head. Have a script ready.
What i do for the “so you are saying” is the following:
I bid them politely and soft spoken to repeat the question, as soon as they are past 3 words, I interrupt them really loud and aggressive with:
“NO, I DID NOT SAY THAT AT ALL!”
then I shut up and stare. I say nothing. the other guy has to say something first. it is a powerstruggle.
You can’t do that with a pro, but most people are not used to that. A pro will see instantly see what is going on, and put you down, it is inevitable.
learn in what situation you are in.
combative, social, competetive, diplomacy or bartering. dont make my mistake, each and every situation was always social for me.
other people dont perceive it like that.
ok, I am glad you pulled yourself up by your bootstraps. (figure of speech)
i had a hard time also. i whish you a good week!