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the words “you so much potential” have done incredibly damage to my confidence. I’m trying so hard to unlearn it but no matter what I do I feel like a failure because I have sO mUcH pOtEnTiAl
My mother was the god of the drive-by shaming where she would complain about my potential and then walk away without offering any sort of help.
So many were back then. Swaths of them also were informed that there’s a good chance we had these conditions, but then handwaved them away because they got by just fine. Plus those damn doctors are over medicating everyone just trying to make a quick buck!
Don’t forget all the friends of friends saying their once boisterous and weird brother suddenly turned into a zombie… By not being constantly disruptive, able to focus, and were quiet for a bit lmfao.
That shit scarred me, and I think was a major contributor to an anxious-preoccuppied attachment style as an adult. A lifetime of being put on a pedestal from the recognition I was bright and a novel thinker, and then the judgment when I inevitably goofed something up left me with a deep -rooted belief that the true me was unworthy and an inevitable fuck up. “Taniwha is an intelligent and capable person, if only he would stop being such a fuck around.” I learned not to trust myself because inevitability I’d do something impulsive, or miss some social queue, or not stay with the program, which made me very Other-focused and wanting to do the “right thing” so I didn’t let everyone down again.
Every single report card and evaluation I’ve ever received was full of back handed compliments pointing to a moral failing. “… if only he just completed his homework on time,” “… needs to stay focused,” “… too much time socialising with/distracting his neighbour.”
“Lots of potential … If only …” Never enough.
Fuck you. That was the thing I was born to struggle with. How many stupid kids got sent home with report cards that said things like, “John’s a hard worker and attentive student. He has a lot of potential, but he needs to work on not being stupid.”
Parents: “Johnny. You NEED to stop being so stupid in class, and start being smarter or you’re going to need Canada’s most disciplined ditch digger.”
To this day, an accomplished academic, a variable professional, and kind person I still freak out inside when someone gets excited about me. I keep falling into relationships with avoidants because trying to please someone who I’ve let down is just about all I know.
My shrink said that this is basically the reason why full grown adults break down crying when they receive their diagnosis.
Basically they’re discovering that they’re not lazy pieces of shit.
It’s… torture. Its unfair. Honestly being told that by so many people is kind of why I gave up for such a long time. If I ever tried again at all. All that same ‘reinforcement’ and ‘feedback’ thrown this way and I just got so tired of hoping to not disappoint people that I gave up and just stopped trying. If I was going to disappoint them anyway I might as well do it without torturing myself in the process, right?
I’m glad you pushed through. It’s difficult as hell and to do it on your own and keep pushing, especially here in Canada where mental health supports are severely lacking? I don’t know you but I’m proud of you.
If I was going to disappoint them anyway I might as well do it without torturing myself in the process, right?
…but how do you keep yourself from torturing yourself for disappointing yourself?
Maybe it’s the system that’s broken not the individuals.
“I know he deserves a B but he could get an A if he tried harder so I’ll give him a C to motivate him”
Yeah, I had a few teachers adopting that reasoning. While kids who knew less than I did but were perceived to try harder were given better grades. Surprised pikachu when I started to barely do enough for a D.
this thing happened to me too. infuriating
“I’ll motivate this child to spend the system, to bring about the vast changes this world needs. It all begins with giving him this D, historians will look back on this moment and praise my foresight” -Frau Bauer (probably)
Wow you’ve brought back unhappy memories ‘a for achievement, d for effort’ and ‘you got everything right but poor presentation, c’
Worst was when I’d to a test and get all the answers right and they’d question how I did so well, bitch because you can’t take marks away for no reason on a multiple choice. Actual worst was that this was 1990 and they wouldn’t let me do my homework typed ‘when you get a job your boss is going to need things hand written’ fucking what lol
Is that because you started doing drugs as a way to escape all of the pressure of having such high potential and low achievement? Asking for a friend…
Of course not! I wasn’t doing drugs, who do you take me for! I only started doing drugs long after everybody was already convinced I was using.
I’ve always had bad grades, so for that one test my mom studied very hard with me. After grades were given back, my teacher came up to me and literally said that the performance was worthy of a 2 (B) but she’s given me a 4 (D) again, to motivate me.
Needless to say, motivation was not achieved.
Furthermore, it’s one of the core experiences that led me to mentally check out of the school system eventually and still fuels my distrust of authorities and institutions to this day, almost 20 years later. Well done Frau Bauer.
Yeah I got potential. I put in a lot of effort to reach that potential.
Did the effort pay off? No.
Did it look like I didn’t do anything? Yes.
When I asked for help I was told “just do it.” So I kept trying really hard but still the results were far less than the effort put in. For some reason I burnt the hell out overextending myself to get stuff done.
I feel like the task is moving water from a pond to a large basin. Everyone else got buckets and I got a ladle.
It’s awful. It builds on the sick idea programmed into us that your productivity defines your worth as a human being.
I don’t know. If I were more productive at making cookies, I would be happier because I could eat more cookies.
Being productive in things you care about is a necessary part of self care and can enhance your happiness for sure.
But that’s different than basing the value of actual people (including yourself) on productivity.
