Well, as the title says, I’m facing an issue that I’m not sure how to improve.
My partner does not enjoy any sort of clitoris stimulation, I tried everything from rough to gentle, from fingers to tongue, with lube and without. It seems that she truly does not enjoy it in anyway.
She does enjoy penetration very much and I put all of my efforts there, but I feel like I can’t get her to an orgasm/higher pleasure and while she is satisfied right now I fear that over time she wont be.
So my question is what else can I do? There are some other pleasure areas that we use such as ears, emotional connection, fantasies, dirty talk, etc.
Maybe something I haven’t tried on the clitoris? Maybe something else that can take it to the next level? Maybe something that she can do? Maybe just accept that this is okay? Again, she does enjoy herself a lot and is completely satisfied as far as I know, but as I’m her first I think that she is missing out on a level of pleasure that I can’t figure how to help her achieve without the clitoris.
ETA: she does not masturbate, so no guidance or hidden methods on her part.
(Not a woman): my partner does not like receiving oral sex or other kinds of sex where she is mostly passive/receiving, because she doesn’t like feeling put on the spot and obligated to react.
If your partner has been not getting much from sex for a long time now, then she is also probably feeling a lot of pressure to change and behave right and react as expected which would be not pleasant for her.
Maybe ask her if she wants to play a game where she reads a book out loud (sexy book or bit sexy book) or play a cozy video game or some other activity where you get to enjoy yourself playing with her body for potentially a long time, and she has something else to pay attention to besides her own sexual performance? That would probably also go well with deep toys on low power as well.
Just, maybe avoid Call of Duty for this one. It has to be a lazy activity she’s doing. If her attention is successfully diverted 100% to the point the sex is an irritating distraction then that’s not any fun for anybody
My own experience is that the lower and side areas around the opening going into the vagina are a lot more stimulating than the clitoris, which makes penetrative sex so much better. This is not very common for women, but it might apply to your partner. Applying gentle pressure to these areas is good for me so that could be something to try. Gauge her reaction. I believe this preference is very uncommon, and I’ve had partners refuse to believe I like it, so I’m not very open about it anymore.
Thank you I’ll try that 🙏
I hope you know that that is on them, open communication is important and I don’t see a reason to doubt what one says about their own body.
Couple of pointers. One, if she is on any medication, check for any side effects. That includes any birth control pills. Two, you mentioned neither she masturbates nor she has experience, hence I would suggest that she may try masturbating if she is okay to try out. That may uncover more about her body.
Also if she lacks experience, it can take months for her to be completely comfortable and enjoy it, because relaxing is not very easy for everyone.
What if she’s been on BC for almost 20 years and never masturbates ever because it doesn’t “work” Toys also do not “work”. Also eating peach with different methods with genuine enthusiasm doesn’t work.
Note: This is not /s I’m being legit.
Does anything at all “work” for her? Tbh sex related things just don’t “work” for me…never have and I can’t say that the seems to be a reason why. We are all just different. I know antidepressants can cause that sort of thing, but some of us are just that way naturally. Is this causing a rift in the relationship because on person needs sex and the other doesn’t?
Nothing has worked consistently.
Does she enjoy it? sometimes but It’s like taking out the trash. 0 sex again would have zero impact. Liquor helps but only drinks at restaurants and only with a meal. So 99% of the time, just too full to make use of it. Suspected the bc but she was off them for a few years, no change. No medication either. Lost weight 0 change. In college, we thought it was Stress levels but it’s lower now with no change.
Now no cuddles or daily massages would be an issue for her. Withhold for a few days and watch that blow up.
It’s always been a chasm in the relationship.
I think the point here is to give it more time and explore as much as possible. No conclusive statements, like this method will work or will not work, cannot be and should not be made considering the smaller time frame they have been together. There are multiple options the OP and the partner can try out if they want.
TBH I am glad the OP is thinking about the long term. The more they explore, the more they will be certain what they can and cannot.
Not OP case but 2 decades later with no change is demoralizing.
Oh so sorry. I didn’t realise you were talking about the situation you are in. I thought the first comment was just a thought experiment. I didn’t pay enough attention. My bad.
In your case I guess she can be in the asexual part of the spectrum. One of my friends is facing a similar situation. The partner has no sex drive at all. But the partner is a great person in every other area. That relationship sustained because my friend also has a lower sex drive, but more than what the partner has.
Since this has been so long, I assume you have already tried the couple therapy and individual therapy. If not that is one thing you can try out.
But keep in mind that if your partner is really asexual, there isn’t much that you can do. It’s not their fault in any way. So either you have to accept the situation and build a life around this fact, or you have to move on. Since you have been in the relationship for a long time, I guess everything else is going well. Means you have already chosen the first option.
Yeah basically what you wrote is accurate. No therapy though. She won’t take it. I asked several times.
I think the crux of issue is a blame myself for all this. I get told no " it’s not you, it’s me" but I still feel like a failure of a partner.
I just want to say that it’s not frivolous or silly to need sex with your partner, you are not wrong to be distressed. It’s a natural and normal thing to need in a romantic relationship.
No no… Don’t blame yourself. You did nothing wrong here. Very scientifically speaking we still have no clear answer on how the sexuality of a person is determined. So far there is a consensus that there is a biological factor also in play.
It is not your failure as a partner. These are things beyond your control. She also can’t do much on this. Therapy won’t change the underlying reality. It will just help you to cope up with the hard realities that you are facing.
I highly recommend you take individual therapy if you haven’t done so far. You may have to untangle decades of experiences to get in terms with it. It’s never late, and the right therapist will definitely improve how you handle this.
What do I even describe this to a therapist as? My partner doesn’t want say they are asexual but all the signs are there. Help me be cool with it when I’m the literal opposite end of the spectrum? I feel if I stop trying, then that’s me giving up on her.
Go by her lead. She will tell you what she wants if she wants it, and you guys have open communication. Don’t over think sex, and sex performance
Talk to your partner about it
I did, she doesn’t have the experience to know what do to and she isn’t against me looking into it, but she is okay as things are right now.
If she is okay with things you should leave it alone, lest you put pressure on her to orgasm which is like, one of the least sexy things I can think of.
You can enjoy sex without orgasming. Sometimes my partner or I will opt for strap sex even though it is harder for both of us to orgasm because it feels nice/scratches a different itch. If she wanted to orgasm during sex she’d probably start masturbating to make it easier to do.
Of course I would not pressure her, I’m just looking to see if there is something that I didn’t think of
Trying to think of a way to bring her to be comfortable in stimulating her body in different ways… What if you’d masturbate by watching her and for you she just mildly rubs her body gently. Then eventually you can ask her to fake rub her vulva to turn you on. Kinda making it her job in a way and associating self rubbing with pleasure. Hopefully that makes sense.
That’s an intersting perspective, thank you
Is this something she expects you to figure out for her?
If I were you, I’d explain that you’re open to try anything in any way that she is willing to try with you, but the initiative must come from her. You are there for her to help her figure it out, if she’s interested in trying something.
If she is interested in exploring this, she will. If she is not, well, then nothing you can do will help or convince her. Instead it could become a stressful expectation in itself.My past experience with a shy conservative girl with problems of pain or oversensitivity is that you can’t get anything out of her, except “it’s all fine, it’s all good, feels nice” and you are left wondering, if you just suck at it. Just don’t go there before she opens up.
There are no expectations from her, she is enjoying it and does state that she is and seems satisfied. It’s just that I’m her first and from my experience with others I think she is missing out on a higher level of pleasure that with others always involved the clitoris.
If you don’t mind me asking, how is this affecting you? How do you feel about it?
I’m okay,I just want to see if I can help her get that feeling that she might be missing, but I’m also ready to accept things as they are if nothing works
It’s probably too sensitive? Have you tried stimulating it indirectly, for example by licking/touching its hood right above it instead?
Also, take your time, listen to the body language and if you sense some kind of positive response you keep doing exactly that, you don’t change the pace, pressure, angle, etc.
I did try that, it seems to just lack any pleasure, it is sensitive, but less then other people I have been with and no matter what I do it does not produce pleasure, usually it just doesn’t do anything for her
Sorry I couldn’t help. Ultimately, communication is key and if you’re both satisfied and she doesn’t feel she needs more or missing out, then there’s no harm :)
Hello. I might be of a similar build as your partner. And here is the key question: Is she able to pleasure HERSELF via clitoris YES or NO?
Personally my answer for this is yes, but so far I’ve never met anyone who could do this for me without some heavy guidance. I would absolutely NOT enjoy my clit rubbed roughly or gently, with fingers or tongue, with or without lube. Thinking about it alone makes me wince. The clit you see is always like the tip of the iceberg, there is a very sensitive part poking but there is a much larger nerve network underneath. Most people seem to find pleasurable working with the tip of the iceberg alone, and that’s what you seem to have described. But some prefer working with what’s surrounding it, and it is still technically clitoral stimulation so that’s what my question is about.
If she tells you the only way she’s ever going to orgasm is by penetration, then leave it at that.
If instead she says yes she can but that it is too difficult to explain/guide someone else to do it, then I can give you a few pointers to start exploring. Everyone is different so I can’t guarantee what works for me also works in your case though, but it’s worth a shot. It took me a while to figure out how my own body worked and I can understand someone just opting to skip the hassle of having to teach another person how to do this especially when getting it wrong can get painful/ kill the mood/ lower their or your confidence/ end in an argument etc.
She does not masturbate, so no guidance there.
It would be super helpful if you can share! It seems that she does not orgasm from anything we have done so far, she is enjoing it and has no complaints, but as I’m her first I think she is missing out on something that she doesn’t even know she is missing.
I am aware if the clitoris actually being this big organ that we only see the tip of, but I have never heard of any way to specifically stimulate it without the tip, just that certain positions, movements, etc, can help.
Yeah I’ve had a look at the other replies and I’m sorry you don’t have this knowledge. I gather she is possibly young and you are her first guy, so take it easy.
So I’ll tell you a few things that work for me but bear in mind if she really isn’t sensitive this is going to be a waste of time.
One thing to keep in mind is that touching yourself doesn’t feel the same as being touched. Try to tickle your own armpits. You’re going to have to put some effort into it to feel the tickles, and you probably won’t flinch. Now compare that to someone else tickling you. Different sensation and reaction, right?
Something similar happens with other parts as well. I usually prefer massaging right next to the clitoris, and my own fingers in that area are just fine. Someone else’s though, are not. Things feel either a bit painful or numb and it’s just annoying.
To get around this, some indirect stimulation is good. One thing that works is covering the clit with the labia majora. Once it’s protected and buried there, the other person can massage vigorously or gnaw and it’s pleasant, for me at least. Now flesh is different in everyone so this may not be an option for some people.
You can also try a vibrator and keep a good distance from the clitoris (this may change depending on the toy used) but don’t think you need to use it closely. I’d suggest applying pressure with it against her body and keep it at least 10 cm away from the clitoris, then gauge if it needs to be moved.
Finally, lordosis! Some positions may be more pleasant than others. For me it’s always doggy since I find the more I arch my back and lift my butt up, the better it feels around the general area of the clitoris. I’ve found women who agree with me in this, those who strongly disagree and those that shrug so again, YMMV.
I hope some of this helps, good luck there.
Thank you! This is really educational and I’ll try it out!
I appreciate your openness 🙏
What does she do when she is doing herself? And is she getting orgasm that way, and is she getting it with you in any way?
If she can do direct clitoral stimulation for herself, it’s possible you are just too rough, a lot of guys are. But also possible that she’s just wired so that direct contact is unpleasant.
It’s hard to recommend without more information but I would suggest a tight angle face to face, that she might be able to sort of grind on you while fucking, to get some vulva stimulation and the inside feeling, that might push her over. Also maybe try playing with her boobs while she’s on top.
Mostly I think you are on the right track with the mental angle - engaging the mind, find out what she thinks about and use that, give up your ideas about every woman being wired the same.
And Do Not Push her. Really listen to what she wants.
Thanks, she does not masturbate, so no knowledge source there.
I’ll try that position you suggested, sounds very intimate as well.
And I am kind of at a last ditch effort here, I of course accept her as she is, I just want to see if there is something I can do to help her orgasm before I give up on the prospect for now. She is very satisfied with our sex life (so as I) but I really think she might be missing out since she never had an orgasm and so she can’t really know what she is missing out on.
Hmm, yes if she does not masturbate I honestly think she might just not be that much into the physical pleasure, you may have to just take what you can get - even though you would be frustrated, she may not be. It’s hard for me to imagine, too! But if she enjoys the closeness and seeing you get off, your expectations may be getting in the way.
Even if she gets frustrated, she will probably have to figure out herself what works. It’s really good she is not faking, don’t push her to the point she feels like that’s the answer.
ETA: tight angle with her legs up if she is flexible, or kind of sideways so one of your legs is against her vulva (look up coital alignment technique) those positions with some amount of outside contact like that are very intense dual stimulation, and if you are yourself angled upward the tight angle with legs up will also hit those front areas inside where the nerves from the clitoris run upward.
my partner just want cuddles.
I like eating peaches!
We are not the same.
Don’t worry, I would never push her and we are both happy, I am also not frustrated with the situation, just wondering if there is something else I can try
Is it that she doesn’t like the sensation or she just can’t cum? It may be too “intense” so you can try stimulating near the clit with a vibrator instead of directly on.
Try G spot simulation- use a couple of fingers in a “come hither” motion inside. Maybe try that after having piv sex as she may be more turned on. Be communicative together.
Try other erogenous zones like nipples and neck simultaneously as clitoral stimulation and/or g spot.
Use toys in all configurations.
It seems that her clitoris is more like a regilar sensitive area with no pleasure option. What I mean is that it is still a sensitive are (less then other people IME) but absolutely nothing about it, no matter the mood, foreplay, or stimulation is pleasurable for her, at best it’s tolerable.
It’s interesting because I have always that way too. Nothing is wrong to my knowledge…it’s just the way I am. Do you think she might be on the asexual spectrum?
I don’t think she is, her sex drive is actually kind of high and she has sexual fantasies, initiates often, etc
Hm. Sounds like something to bring up to a doctor actually. If she’s comfortable and willing. She could have a birth defect or could have had surgery in the area that could have damaged nerves, or she was injured and damaged nerves.
The clitoris is larger than what you see and it might be able to be stimulated from elsewhere if it isn’t injured.
In the meantime try for the g spot and vibrators everywhere until you maybe find something that works.
But yeah, worth mentioning to a doctor.
A doctor is probably not an option unless something serious happens, but thank you for the concern and suggestions 🙏
How are you in the same boat as me?
We boarded together?
Mayhaps
Probably just ask about it. They could be asexual. Years ago I was with someone who was, and we had sex, a lot of dirty fun, she was totally into it, but she didn’t cum and told me she doesn’t need to. I found out after that she loves having sex just to feel close and connect, not for sexual gratification, she didn’t masturbate either.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gray_asexuality
Without knowing your relationship history, maybe your partner is somewhere in this space but doesn’t openly talk about it?
I don’t think this is the case as she is hornier then me at times, she initiates a lot and has sexual fantasies. I think that she is just satisifed because this is the best sex she has ever had is it is the only sex she has ever had, so she is missing out on something that she doesn’t even know (I think)
Try other areas of her body (e.g. neck, ear, nipple), try full body massage beforehand, her mental state as well as yours will definitely play a role, and there are certain rhythms and grip techniques if penetration is the only positive sensation for her. Also maybe she would be more turned on by switching roles more where you were on the receiving end. Have fun, good luck!
Most of what you suggested is already in practice :)
What do you mean by griping techniques?
Pelvic floor muscles. The “grip” strength can give her much more power to climax. From your description, there is some chance she is unfamiliar with kegels and such. If so, definitely worth exploring.
Also: men can strengthen pelvic floor too, and many women enjoy the internal throb/pulse feeling, so it might be something to try together.
We do that both of us :)
I hadn’t considered the other response you got but it is very true! What I was referring to is your hand grip inside. Typically there is a bulb. If you are on top of her (prone) with two fingers inside, do a spiderman web shoot grip and see if you can feel it. Find it and grip it and work your arm like you want to rip it out of her. Definitely start gentle at first but IME the rough stuff will be well tolerated and enjoyable. Oh yea, set a towel down under her and probably a hand towel at the ready 😉
Thanks, I do do that and she does enjoy it but it never went past what I already described
Anecdotal, and not a woman personally, but I’ve had a similar experience from days long gone; ultimately we ended up trying out different toys and the sucking sort of vibrator with lower settings was what got her past the “block”, but it was via masturbation. We’d only move it to our together time after she got comfortable with the sensation and desensitized, as she described it. In our part of the world the main brand name for this kind of toy was “satisfyer”, not sure if that is global though.
After a while it all just clicked and it became something more familiar to me too, with fingers and tongue (though she did still prefer sucking over licking, which for me as a young man back then was new, but very much a priceless enlightenment and a much appreciated skill I later had time to hone more) ultimately joining in and it all becoming something more familiar to my less experienced younger self.
What I’ve learnt since though, is that everyone is so wildly different, that just simply masturbating together, or learning to, if the other party/parties aren’t experienced there, has been key to lasting mutual satisfaction. And people and their needs/wants change over time, that’s also important to keep in mind. And masturbation is the thing that naturally reflects that. Just talk, talk, talk, and then experiment. Try and keep an open mind, and try to be accommodating. Change and new things take time. Try your best not to get frustrated or load too much expectations into the process. And try and understand the other party/parties are the ones having a harder time coming to terms with the fact that they could not meet your initial expectations. They have a lot of pressure due to this, though it’ll ultimately be mutually beneficial.
Also I’ve noted that it’s so easy to fall prey to thinking that you’re the one giving or somehow “improving” their life here, but this is, in fact, your need that needs to get satisfied. You want her to feel things she does not currently. It’s not a bad thing, this is how life is when you share it with someone, but do not think you are being the giving party here. This is your need, which she either chooses to accommodate and figure out together, or not. And you might best start accepting that this experiment might not lead anywhere, and that you might have to change your expectations accordingly.
I agree that this is my desire and that I might to abandon it, but I want to explore any options first as I really do think that she is missing out.
I think that masturbation is important, but that is off the table as of right now for her aince she is uncomfortable with it.
As far as clitoral stimulation, I tried touching, licking, sucking, blowing on it, and more, all in varying degrees of force from gentle to rough. She never enjoys it and at best doesn’t care for it and usually just really doesn’t like the sensation.
