I guess my baseline idea of existence is chronic pain and immobility, or not existing at all, so I’ve always been really happy to wake up and be able to see and hear and read and dance and talk, and fuck and love and all - I really and truly enjoy being physically embodied, and to get so much of my time without hurting too.
Also, quite honestly, every day I wake up glad to be an adult and not a child and every single day still glad I don’t have to go to school. Did not like being a kid but adulthood has been mostly really good, and has involved an arc from desperately poor to ok with a family so that’s been surprising and happy too.
It’s genuinely nice to hear you’re enjoying your time here, and that your “trajectory” seems to be for the better.
Mine’s been pretty much the opposite. My health started taking a sharp turn for the worse a bit before COVID got going, and I still haven’t come to terms with all of it. Started off with a tumor in a particularly vexing place, which caused personality changes over a couple of years although I didn’t know it at the time, and doctors chalked up my mental and physical symptoms to everything from anxiety to panic attacks to HIV (which I don’t have and really had no chance of having). My up to that point fantastic marriage disintegrated because I turned into an anxious and tired mess, and I was frankly a shit partner. A while after the divorce I lost my job in the company I helped found because the tumor affected my cognitive function too, but doctors kept telling me it’s just anxiety, depression, alcoholism, what the fuck ever.
After a while I did end up getting a correct diagnosis, and when I got radiotherapy it triggered an autoimmune condition that really fucked me up, but that also took more than a year to actually get diagnosed correctly, and at that point there’d already been enough damage that it took 20 years off my life expectancy. Naturally the radiotherapy didn’t do the trick so I also needed surgery, and its complications combined with the autoimmune stuff have left me unable to work and generally so tired that I can barely function. Haven’t had the energy to eg. see my friends all that much, and since I now live alone I can sometimes go for weeks without speaking to another human (I talk to myself a lot…). I’m often in neuropathic and arthritic pain, and I can’t even fucking swallow too well anymore because of nerve damage, so eating and sometimes even drinking is a chore and can lead to coughing fits. Thanks to the autoimmune stuff I occasionally get, well… let’s say acute diarrhea which has led me to shitting my pants a couple of times because I couldn’t get to the toilet in time, and I was at home the second time that happened. So leaving the apartment can be a dicey proposition sometimes for days at a time. I drink way too much nowadays, but it’s either that or having to deal with all this sober, and I don’t have the energy for that, let alone interest.
If I’m being honest, I’m just waiting to die, and hoping it’ll happen sooner rather than later because none of this is curable and will only get worse. My life has lost all meaning, and it’s difficult to enjoy anything anymore due to constant brain fog, pain, and tiredness.
I’m really sorry you drew such a short stick in the life lottery. so much of this existence is a crap shoot and anyone who says otherwise is full of shit. I’ve seen some of the best people get some of the worst life events and it’s just not fair. I wish someone could share some of their easier life with you. at any rate I guess you find a way to peace one way or another, whatever that may take.
I guess my baseline idea of existence is chronic pain and immobility, or not existing at all, so I’ve always been really happy to wake up and be able to see and hear and read and dance and talk, and fuck and love and all - I really and truly enjoy being physically embodied, and to get so much of my time without hurting too.
Also, quite honestly, every day I wake up glad to be an adult and not a child and every single day still glad I don’t have to go to school. Did not like being a kid but adulthood has been mostly really good, and has involved an arc from desperately poor to ok with a family so that’s been surprising and happy too.
It’s genuinely nice to hear you’re enjoying your time here, and that your “trajectory” seems to be for the better.
Mine’s been pretty much the opposite. My health started taking a sharp turn for the worse a bit before COVID got going, and I still haven’t come to terms with all of it. Started off with a tumor in a particularly vexing place, which caused personality changes over a couple of years although I didn’t know it at the time, and doctors chalked up my mental and physical symptoms to everything from anxiety to panic attacks to HIV (which I don’t have and really had no chance of having). My up to that point fantastic marriage disintegrated because I turned into an anxious and tired mess, and I was frankly a shit partner. A while after the divorce I lost my job in the company I helped found because the tumor affected my cognitive function too, but doctors kept telling me it’s just anxiety, depression, alcoholism, what the fuck ever.
After a while I did end up getting a correct diagnosis, and when I got radiotherapy it triggered an autoimmune condition that really fucked me up, but that also took more than a year to actually get diagnosed correctly, and at that point there’d already been enough damage that it took 20 years off my life expectancy. Naturally the radiotherapy didn’t do the trick so I also needed surgery, and its complications combined with the autoimmune stuff have left me unable to work and generally so tired that I can barely function. Haven’t had the energy to eg. see my friends all that much, and since I now live alone I can sometimes go for weeks without speaking to another human (I talk to myself a lot…). I’m often in neuropathic and arthritic pain, and I can’t even fucking swallow too well anymore because of nerve damage, so eating and sometimes even drinking is a chore and can lead to coughing fits. Thanks to the autoimmune stuff I occasionally get, well… let’s say acute diarrhea which has led me to shitting my pants a couple of times because I couldn’t get to the toilet in time, and I was at home the second time that happened. So leaving the apartment can be a dicey proposition sometimes for days at a time. I drink way too much nowadays, but it’s either that or having to deal with all this sober, and I don’t have the energy for that, let alone interest.
If I’m being honest, I’m just waiting to die, and hoping it’ll happen sooner rather than later because none of this is curable and will only get worse. My life has lost all meaning, and it’s difficult to enjoy anything anymore due to constant brain fog, pain, and tiredness.
I’m really sorry you drew such a short stick in the life lottery. so much of this existence is a crap shoot and anyone who says otherwise is full of shit. I’ve seen some of the best people get some of the worst life events and it’s just not fair. I wish someone could share some of their easier life with you. at any rate I guess you find a way to peace one way or another, whatever that may take.
Thank you, I appreciate the sentiment ❤️
Aww. I am sorry, I hope you can find some joy in being alive and also that you can have a gentle end on your own terms.
Thank you ❤️