very similar question to my last one but this time with management, not a coworker.
Similar because she keeps pestering me with what to her seems to be an important issue. She doesn’t seem to understand that I’m there to work and not to socialize. On our last conversation she told me we’re a big family and that I’m welcomed to be sincere with her with a big smile, to me a fake one.
So many red flags I wanted to run, but I still have to articulate it in office speak so she stops pestering me.
Context is an exit interview management is going to use to try and convince me to stay, but I don’t want to work there anymore, too much drama and cattiness over dumb crap.
If you really want to give it one last chance before leaving my advice would be to have a 1-on-1 talk with her.
Start out by saying that:
- You understand that she works in a different way to you.
- You feel more secure when your private and work lives are separate.
- You feel you are able to do your best work when you can focus on the task without distraction.
“Feel” is an important word here. You’re not trying to be confrontational. You’re trying to express your position so she can understand you and how you work better. You’re trying to show her the right way to manage you, rather than pointing out the wrong way.
Then ask a couple of questions:
-
Does she want you to communicate more because she’s worried that you’re not communicating issues that she needs to be aware of in her role? If so, that’s a valid concern. Maybe organise a fixed time each week to discuss such issues so you can plan for it and come prepared.
-
Does she think she can accommodate how you like to work?
I expect she values “openness” but that doesn’t need to be sharing your whole life with the people you work with. So meet her half-way, be open about what you’re working on and the problems you’re facing. She may be able to help you by resolving your dependencies on others, or getting you what you need.
It’s an exit interview? And you want to know the appropriate thing to say to someone pressuring you to be social in ways you don’t wish to be? You tell them to fuck the fuck off and you walk out the door.
If you’re leaving what’s the issue exactly? There are countless people who are incompetent at being a proper boss or client. You can try to educate them. If they’re power tripping it’s best to find something new.
Regarding communication I think the most important skill is to actually say what you want to say. What your needs are. It sounds obvious and easy but once you consciously try it you’ll see that it takes a lot of practice.
The issue is that being indirect or expecting people to just get it just doesn’t work. There aren’t many people out there who are that sensitive and insightful, and they’ll just keep filling in the gaps with their own perspective again and again. Even when you are being direct they will, but at least it gives someone the opportunity to think about it and possibly adjust. Most people mean well.
Unless the contract you signed requires an exit interview, you aren’t required to do an exit interview
It sounds like you’re in an ideal position since you’re leaving anyway.
Option 1: fuck em. Tell them nothing. Remain professional and curt until your last day and never look back. Don’t bother with the exit interview.
Option 2: say nothing to your manager. During the exit interview (assuming it’s not just your manager in attendance), tell them your manager constantly pressures you to engage in social activity outside your work scope. You didn’t want to do that because there’s already so much pettiness and politics and you don’t see how more social exposure to your coworkers would improve that.
Option 3: sit down with your manager right now and explain that you don’t want to make friends with your coworkers. You’re perfectly happy getting along with them and doing good work, but you keep your social life separated from your work life. You find constant non-work chatter as a distraction and it keeps you from concentrating on and delivering good work.
Option 4: quit now. Unless you really need a reference from this company in the future, every shift you remain there is just doing them a favour. Write a letter to the CEO outlining why you’re leaving and why you don’t see any possibility of the company culture improving under its current management.
Quite frankly, the fact that she used the word “family” suggests she’s too out to lunch and can’t be reasoned with. She didn’t become a manager through any sort of training and doesn’t possess the mindset to empathize where people are coming from if they aren’t exactly like her.
“I’m not looking for a family here. I never was. Thank you for the invitation, but no.”
It could be that simple.
I might not be the best one to reply, but that “we’re a family” shit irritates me.
“If we’re a big family here, then you, and my coworkers, need to accept me as I am. This is who I am, this is how much I smile, and this is how much I socialize. Please, we my family, accept that.”
I have actually worked at a place that said that and it was almost legit. The owner lived interstate and would fly in take everyone to a restaurant for lunch at least monthly. When a family member of his died he gave time off for all the staff and flew an all expenses paid for any one that wanted to go to the funeral. He would regularly invite any staff (open invitation) and spouses and kids to see games with his and his family, all paid for (including alcohol). We also got flown to his state to attend a milestone birthday, all expenses paid, including spouses. Spouses were always included and kids invited where it was practical.
Annual raises without asking. Random bonuses, especially when a business deal went well.
That place was eccentric, but it actually did feel like we were being looked after.
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Don’t forget to ask to borrow the car
Maybe you could use a reality TV montage: I’m Not Here to Make Friends
